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GETTING THE MOST FROM THERAPY
Have you ever thought about therapy or counselling? Now that’s a scary question isn’t it?
Lots of people have thought about it. Lots of people have done it and found it really, really helpful. So if you are still thinking about it here are a few tips and thoughts to help you make up your mind and help you get the most of your session.
So let’s bust some myths about therapy.
1. It’s for people with serious mental health problems
False. People who don’t have behavioural or mental health problems have therapy to help improve their quality of life, deal with stress and develop better relationships.
2.I need medication to help me get better
False. Medication has its place but it is rarely the whole answer. If you need medication to treat your problems you definitely need therapy as well!
Medication can often help you utilise therapy better. The real value of talking about your problems is that you gain insight and understanding of what went wrong and finding ways of dealing with the problems
3.I can’t afford it/haven’t got time
Therapy is a serious commitment of both money and time. Aside from the financial cost, you are also going to invest your time and effort to complete the therapy and gain the real benefits. It is often an investment that will last a lifetime.
So if you have decided to invest in therapy how do you get the most out of it?
Most sessions last for about 50 minutes. Psychotherapists call it ‘therapy hour’. It is important that you arrive on time. Preferably about 5 minutes before your appointment time. This is to give yourself a few moments to catch your breath, collect your thoughts and prepare your mind and body for the session.
Let the therapy influence your life outside.
Therapy works best when you are able to apply the insights you’ve learned during the session to the rest of your week. Therapy is about much more than the time you spend with your therapist
Don’t hesitate to ask.
Some clients are afraid of asking questions of their therapists because they think it’s against the rules. But the truth is, your therapist is happy to hear you asking and to explain things to you in ways you would better understand. You can ask pretty much everything you want. Your therapist won’t divulge personal information about themselves. Therapy is about you not them!
Learn to do it on your own.
Whilst you come to see a therapist to seek insight and guidance, it is more than that. Therapy is more about helping you come to your own conclusions and helping you get to know yourself better. That means you will be able to manage your emotions and make decisions on your own without the therapist once treatment has ended.
This has to be the most important thing. Sometimes it will feel you are not making progress. Sometime you will wonder what you are going to say. Don’t cut and run. Stick with it. Allow yourself to reap the benefits of therapy. And you can only do this if you give your heart and mind at it, without reservations.
Last but not the least – do enjoy the entire therapy. Consider it as a life changing experience that can significantly improve your life and make you a better person. Instead of feeling anxious, be excited about each session you will attend. You can participate more and get the most out of therapy when you are filled with motivation, not nervousness or fear.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
Love without condition
Talk without intention
Listen without judgement
Give without reason
Care without exception
Remember without regret
STEPS TO HAPPINESS
1. Decide to be happy
2. Make it a priority
3. Let go of judgements
4. Be present in every moment
5. Be grateful
THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEK
If you wait for happy moments, you will wait forever
But if you start believing that you are happy you will be happy forever
SEVEN FRIENDS TO KEEP FOREVER
1. Those who open up their hearts and tell you the truth even if it hurts
2. Those who come to your rescue during a crisis
3. Those who are mature enough to respect your privacy
4. Those who inspire and encourage you to be the best you can be
5. Those who have proven over time to be dependable and reliable
6. Those who understand your baggage and are willing to help you unpack
7. Those who give to you as equally as they take from you
TIPS FOR NOVEMBER
Wrap up and go for a walk whatever the weather
Watch the flames of an open fire - at home or in a cosy pub
Make an autumn salad with colourful root veg and leaves
Start a cold weather project
Slow down a little, take your time
CHRISTMAS IS COMING!
PEACE AND GOODWILL- 10 TIPS FOR A LESS STRESSED CHRISTMAS
"Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present."
Christmas has been in the shops for weeks now! Let’s look at how to deal with it!
Christmas should have a lot going for it. Time off work, a licence to overindulge in the things we have denied ourselves all year and the constant message of happiness and goodwill to all. Except that for many of us Christmas is the most stressful time of the year. There are several reasons for this. By paying attention to them and taking some practical steps you can have a happier and less stressed festive season.
One of the key reasons for Christmas stress and anxiety is our hyped up expectation of what Christmas is like. Everything is supposed to be perfect, and if it isn’t we feel that we have failed. We end up feeling too tired and exhausted to enjoy what we have achieved. Giving up the idea of ‘perfection’ – it only exists in advertising campaigns and the movies! – and accept that ‘good enough’ is absolutely ok for us and for those around us.
Another factor in Xmas stress is that we allowed much of today’s celebration of Christmas fly in the phase of psychological wisdom. We know that material possessions and stuff don’t make us happy. And yet each year the competition to buy the best and biggest present goes on. The focus should be on being not buying. Enjoying this time with those we love.
And this is often the third cause of Christmas stress. This is the time of year that lets us see just how disconnected we are from family and those who we believe are closest to us. We can mask this disconnection throughout the year, but Christmas tends to throw us all together in a claustrophobic closeness that highlights the tensions not addressed during the year. There is a collective regression into the family dynamics of years gone by, the underlying tensions spill out, childhood behaviours resurface and these can cause resentment and arguments.
With all that in mind, here are a few practical tips to help you on your way!
Do have a budget. For many of us the aftermath of the festive season is massive credit card bills. Have a realistic idea of how much you can afford before you start making your gift list. Remember it really is the thought that counts. Most people appreciate the fact that you have remembered them rather than the size of the gift.
Be realistic. The media gives us a false impression of what Christmas needs to be like. We tend to think all our problems will go away just because it's Christmas. In fact, Christmas has a nasty habit of highlighting family problems rather than making them go away. If members of your family bicker all year they are not going to change just for a couple of days. Have strategies to deal with flare ups. Long walks, splitting people into groups to do different activities. Keep an eye on the alcohol consumption. The most placid person can become aggressive with one too many sherries!
Christmas lunch/dinner. If you are entertaining at home delegate some of the tasks. You don't have to be a martyr and do it all yourself. Have a list, allocate tasks to everyone - even the children can do simple things to help. It may not be exactly as you would like, but it takes a lot of pressure off and involves everyone in the day.
Plan a late Christmas dinner
Don't start cooking at the crack of dawn - enjoy your Christmas morning! If you have a good breakfast, there's no need to sit down for your main Christmas meal until mid-afternoon or early evening.
That gives you plenty of time to sit and watch the kids open their Christmas gifts and play with their new toys; let’s you watch the Queen or your favourite movie. Granny might not like it but she will survive – I promise!
Family relationships. Don't expect miracles. Most of us don't spend this much time with members of our family! Remember that all those old behaviours will resurface in you and in others! Try to identify the patterns of previous years and think how you want to deal with them from your point of view. Because one thing is sure – you are not going to change them. If you're going to have to spend time with people you don't get on with this Christmas, try to minimise the time you spend with them. We can often handle an hour or two, but two days would be far too long. You can also go for a walk to break up the day, or simply retreat to our bedroom or study. No one says you have to be with everyone all of the time!
Sorting out family politics
This can often be the trickiest part of Christmas, especially for those with extended step-families or long lasting family feuds. From experience, Christmas has also been known to cause a few feuds!
My advice is to sort out arrangements well in advance. If you have family that won't mix, invite one set at Christmas this year and the other for New Year and explain that the following year the invitations will be reversed.
It also helps if you or your partner have siblings who could take some of the heat off you by extending an invitation to family members. Get together with brothers and sisters in the autumn to sort out between you who is inviting who, so that no-one is left out and everyone is happy.
This won't solve all problems, but at least you're making some steps towards tackling them in advance of Christmas Day.
Do avoid the triggers. If certain topics are touchy in your family have a 'banned' list. No one is allowed to talk about topics on the banned list. Have a forfeit box - anyone who tries to talk about a banned subject has to pay 50p or a pound into the forfeit box. The proceeds go to charity. Make it fun and it really can solve some of the family arguments.
General health and well being. Try to be moderate. Too much food and alcohol makes us feel groggy and contributes to our stress levels. Our bodies find it hard to cope with excess. Enjoy a little of the things you like and you'll feel and look much better. Get enough sleep. Our bodies function better when they are refreshed.
Get some exercise. If you have a regular exercise regime, keep to it as much as you can. Alternatively, plan fresh air and walks into your days. Exercise is a great stress buster.
Make time for relaxation. Book a massage or a manicure. Do something for you. You don't have to be on call for everyone 24 hours a day. Christmas is supposed to be a time of fun and enjoyment.
Keep a sense of humour - it's a great stress reliever. Trying to control other people's behaviour (and you can't anyway) is just more added stress. So don't expect certain relations to compliment your cooking/be grateful for the gift/turn up on time/not drink too much etc etc. Just know these things will be as they always are and they won't seem as bad!
Boxing Day is to put your feet up!
If you've been in charge on Christmas Day, don't even think about doing it all again the next day.
Let someone else take their turn and you become the guest for the day or even have a quiet day by putting that left over turkey to good use and having sandwiches!
A few extras
Write up a Christmas card list and keep it in a safe place so that you can use it each year - adding or deleting as necessary
Plan to write your cards early in December before everything else gets going
Keep important phone numbers handy over the holiday period
Do be assertive - it's o.k. to say no to invitations and o.k. to tell people it's time to go home
Have some time alone
Don't magnify your problems by thinking that everyone else is having a better time than you are. The chances are they are not!
Remember it really is just two days!
Plan ahead for the next holiday season. Christmas supplies, such as decorations and gift wrap, are often available at discounted prices in the week after Christmas, and they don't go bad! It's easy enough too to buy gifts any time of year; all it takes is some planning and it takes the pressure
off come December!
Have a great month. Make a list. It works for Santa, and it will work for you. Plan what you need and want to do for the Christmas holiday and start planning now. Christmas will be almost stress free!
I sometimes think we expect too much of Christmas Day. We try to crowd into it the long arrears of kindliness and humanity of the whole year. As for me, I like to take my Christmas a little at a time, all through the year. And thus I drift along into the holidays--let them overtake me unexpectedly--waking up some fine morning and suddenly saying to myself: 'Why this is Christmas Day!'"
~ Ray Stannard Baker, pseud. David Grayson (1870-1946), American author, journalist
WORLD KINDNESS DAY
13 November is World Kindness Day. Start it by being kinder to yourself
Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a good friend - with kind caring words rather than judgemental ones
When you get good feedback or a compliment write it down in a journal or diary. It's easy to forget the good stuff
Remind yourself we are all imperfect
Listen to yourself. It's fine to say no to others sometimes
Be Kind to others
Send a kind text to someone you know. This could be a thank you, well wish, compliment, remembrance of a kind deed or anything kind!
Say good morning to everyone on your way into work and good evening on your way home
Eat lunch with someone new
Offer to buy a drink or some food for a homeless person
Go through your possessions and donate items you no longer use to charity
Hold the door open for those behind you
“Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you.”
THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEK
As Christmas approaches we seem to get more stressed and tired.
This week try and pause for a while to restore and refresh.
SIGNS YOU NEED TO TAKE A BREAK
1. If you feel "stuck" in life and you've lost your sparkle
2. Neglecting your own well being by eating badly, not exercising and not getting enough sleep
3. Feeling drained and exhausted because life just seems too busy
4. Being impatient, short tempered or irritable. Small things start to annoy you
5. Dismissing or being unaware of anxiety or worry in the background
If any or all of the above apply to you, maybe it's time to step back and take stock of what's happening
TAKING CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE
If you recognised some of the signs in the above article, how do you go about getting some control back into your life?
Here are a few tips:
Find a peaceful place you enjoy. Indoors or outdoors it doesn't matter. No phone, no lap top, no paper or pen. Just let your thoughts drift in and out. No need to do anything with them.A few minute of mindfulness in a busy day.
Find someone you can talk to and someone who will just listen. You are not asking them for solutions, just that they listen. It's amazing what happens when you are allowed to express thoughts and feelings with no pressure to take action
Keep a journal. It's not a diary it's somewhere that you record your thoughts and feelings, things you are grateful for and any creative ideas you may have. Take a few minutes at the end of each day to jot a few things down.
Try to create space in your life to just do nothing or perhaps something that you would really like to do for you. If it feels selfish remind yourself that if you don't attend to your own needs you cannot possible help others
DAILY TIPS FOR MINDFULNESS
SEVEN DAYS OF MINDFULNESS
1. We all dash from one place to another Today try mindful walking. Take slower breaths and slower steps. Watch your feet as you are placing them on the ground and bring your awareness to your body as it moves. Try for 5 minutes today.
2. Close your eyes and listen carefully for one minute today to all the sound around you. For one minute you have nothing else to do. Just listen
3. When you share Christmas greetings, say them with love and meaning
4. At a party, take a moment to step back from the talking and entertainment and experience the sounds that was around you as a kind of music
5. Be aware of phrases you often repeat throughout the day. Some of these may be part of a negative pattern. Be kinder to yourself
6. If you are feeling uncomfortable about an issue at home or at work,choose to address it this week. Take a deep breath and decide how you want to bring your concerns to those involved.
7. Our emotions are based on love and fear. Observe your emotions and impulses. Ask yourself "What do I fear here|?"
THE HAPPINESS 'MYTH'
HOW HAPPY ARE YOU? ARE YOU WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN SO THAT YOU WILL BE HAPPY?
Surveys in Britain and the US show that people are no happier now than in the 1950s – despite massive economic growth. These findings say loud and clear that it really isn’t economic growth that makes us happier
People’s happiness can be permanently altered. Research shows that for many people long periods of unhappiness are followed by long periods of happiness
Many people think that if they become successful, they will automatically get happy too. Recent studies have shown this is the wrong way round: it is in fact happiness that fuels success, not success that fuels happiness.
The general conclusion from many of the studies is that your subjective well-being -- that is, feeling positive about your life, not stressed out, not depressed -- contributes to both longevity and better health among
So What Makes Us Happy?
Is there a formula—some mix of love, work, and psychological adaptation—for a good life? Probably not! But the ‘happiness industry’ does have some good tips and ideas for giving us a helping hand.
When I was training to be a CBT Therapist my tutor said ‘I don’t do happiness with clients – they do that for themselves.’ He was right too. Happiness is not something you can be taught – although you can learn to be happier; happiness is not something you ‘do’ to someone else – we are each responsible for our own state of happiness. No one can ‘make’ us feel happy!
There are however some very simple (and not so simple!) things that you can do that have been shown to lift our mood, help us think and feel more positively about life and about ourselves.
It seems that happiness is very much about everyday activities not huge one off events. How we think about happiness does have a huge impact on how we run our lives. Feeling better in the moment is not only more pleasant but is also likely to open our minds to opportunities at work, play and in our personal relationships. So making room for happiness in our lives is an important step.
So how to do it?
Here are some of the things that appear to have a positive impact on our thinking and feelings of well being.
Talk to others.
Do avoid the doom and gloom brigade though! Being with people whose company you enjoy and find uplifting and entertaining is a great way to stay positive. Mirroring positive emotions is much healthier than spending time talking about how awful life is!
Be interested in leisure activities.
Exercise in some form is well known for it’s ability to life moods and flood the body and mind with those lovely endorphins that make is fell good, positive and energized. A brisk walk on a gloomy day can be a huge lift.
Resolve conflicts effectively.
Studies have found people in a good mood are more likely to try and collaborate rather than avoid conflict and compete when they are put in a positive mood.
Do things that make you feel happy – dance, laugh, sing, cook, read a favourite book. We all have little happiness triggers.
When in a good mood, people are more likely to display what psychologists call 'prosocial behaviour' - helping others and being generous with both time and money.
There is a lot of talk about random acts of kindness. Some people are simply freaked out if you do something kind and generous, particularly if you are a stranger! They assume you want something in return. However, a small gesture, even smiling at a stranger, will lift your mood and theirs!
There is loads of stuff written about being happier and most of it comes down to that old Abraham Lincoln quote “People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. “
In other words how happy you are is in your own mind and in your own hands!
What going to bed with your phone really does to your brain
78% of adults in Britain look at their phone in the final hour before bed
There are no figures about how many people in the UK sleep with their phones but it is estimated to be around 60-70%
Two hours of exposure to the blue screen device near to bedtime can supress melatonin by 22% and reduce sleep. It also increases the production of the “stress” hormone cortisol which keeps us awake
Having your phone nearby means you are more likely to check texts etc in the middle of the night causing you to lose sleep.
Having your phone next to you at night increases the risk of heart disease and memory problem
If you only get 5 – 6 hours sleep your brain can’t do it’s necessary housekeeping this can lead to negative effects on memory and cognitive performance.
Having your phone with you seems to cause sleep disruption. We sleep in 90 minute cycles with a delicate balance between the different types of sleep. If these cycles are disrupted we are not getting the right kind of sleep.
Most people who take their phones to bed use them as an alarm. Buy an alarm clock and leave your phone outside the bedroom!
TRYING IT ON FOR SIZE
I often have clients say ‘I couldn’t possibly do that it’s too difficult’ or ‘That decision is just too hard’. How often have you heard yourself say something similar?
Sometimes we find decisions are easy and obvious. The result of our decision is clear and that particular course of action takes us where we want to be. Sometimes there are several options and we become so afraid of making the ‘wrong’ decision that we don’t do anything at all or wait until the last possible moment and leap in and hope for the best!
We are often afraid to make decision because we have always been told to ‘be careful – you might make the wrong decision’. We panic that we might make a mistake. Often the more choice we have the more paralysed we become. Our internal critic – that little voice in your head that always tells you to be careful, not to get it wrong – really starts yelling at you. Making any decision becomes almost impossible.
Some years ago a coaching friend of my mine suggested ‘trying it on for size’. It’s a strategy I’ve used with myself and with clients many times over and it really works.
Let’s say you want to clear some clutter from your home but you are afraid you will make a mistake by getting rid of the ‘wrong things’
Here’s how to do it. Make your decision – decide what you want to clear out.
Right now it’s just in your head. See how it feels to have made that decision. How would it be to be without all that clutter in your home or office? Imagine the space, the clutter free environment. Sleep on the decision.
Next day take one step towards implementing your decision. Put your clutter in a box or a bag and put it in the garage, the shed, the boot of your car.
Remember you are just trying it on for size. You can change your mind at any time.
Once again spend the day trying on your decision – how does it feel now you have made some progress towards it? How is to be living without those items? How is it to have less clutter around you?
On day 3 review how it’s felt to be trying on that decision – chances are you will feel more comfortable with it and be able to go ahead and take your stuff to the charity shop.
It is really about moving away from the idea of right or wrong decisions. Whatever your decision it will offer new opportunities, it will offer learning. Maybe it will offer you a new challenge. The real key is deciding that whatever happens – even if the result isn’t quite what you had anticipated – you can handle it and grasp the opportunity.
Trying it on for size works when you are having trouble making decision about almost anything. It helps you step away from the concept of MUST and allows you try on how that decision would feel. It’s a powerful tool. Try it out next time you find a decision hard to make.
To quote Susan Jeffers say to yourself ‘SO WHAT! I’LL HANDLE IT!’
Further reading “Feel the Fear & Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers